Death and Gratitude
And the Inevitability of Kickstarter
On the night of July 22nd, 2025 I was rushed to the hospital in the back of an ambulance. Within 24 hours of that I was undergoing emergency quintuple bypass heart surgery. It was discovered that I had five blockages that were nearly or were 100%, including the infamous “widowmaker” artery. I recall the doctor using the term “weeks or months before someone found you dead in your sleep or you literally just dropped dead.” I liked that doctor. He was pragmatic, honest, and didn’t sugar coat things.
How could this happen? I was only 46 years old! Well, the risk factors are real. Even though I’d given up fast food for Lent and managed to largely avoid it since then, the 30 years prior of stuffing my face on an almost daily basis with something that came out of a drive-thru window had taken their toll. My job, dream though it is, is sedentary. Writers aren’t known for the cardiovascular impact of striking a keyboard. The stress of my life. Raising a special needs child is stressful to a level and nature most cannot comprehend until they must do it. Genetics. My genes have a history all their own that I carry and impact my life. And, loathe as I am to admit it because I love it so much, smoking. My beloved tobacco pipe wasn’t exactly helping.
So, it wasn’t any one thing that led them turning off my heart, removing it, replacing the wiring in it with other wiring in my body, putting it back in, hooking up the new wires, and turning my heart back on. Because make no mistake, that’s exactly what they did. They literally turned me off and turned me back on again. This alone has brought to the conclusion that science and religion live in union and not in opposition - because this was a miracle of science and an act of God all in one.
In the twenty four hours between when I was hospitalized and when I went under the knife I was surprised at my own reaction. I’m a cowardly, emotionally driven guy. The kind of guy who lets misplacing his keys ruin his day even after he found them again. A lot of my optimism came about because it was part of the literature I love or, to be frank, was religiously mandated. It had to be manufactured somehow. But as I sat there, three things lingered in my mind.
First and foremost, that my wife and children had some kind nest egg to provide some comfort the even that I never woke up from the operating table. This was already in motion and I scrabbled frantically to secure and finalize things before I went under the knife.
The second was that “Damnit, Kickstarters really do seem to breed chaos around them! If I die, my backers won’t get their signed LE books.” Knowing their was nothing I could do about that, I turned to my partner on this project, Alan Bahr, and said “Can you at least keep up with messages while I’m gone and get people codes if they need them?”
Third, and distantly, was that I’d never publish The Road Home, a game I’ve been lovingly developing since 2023. More on that in another post.
So, the good news is I woke up. Surgery went perfectly, I am recovering “remarkably well” according to the doctors. I was out of ICU within 24 hours of waking up and discharged from the hospital within 5 days of surgery. Five days. It takes longer to thaw a thanksgiving turkey in the fridge. Crazy.
The home recovery is a lot longer: Three months of minimal movement aside from some basic strengthening cardio that builds as I heal, and no lifting anything over 5 lbs. That’s gonna be the tough one.
I am a dramatic guy. Emotionally driven. Bombastic Attention seeking. Through all this, I’ve not been that emotional. I’ve had moments, but they’ve all been the same moment. Every time something strikes a chord my brain screams “Think of the alternative.”
Because for a while there the alternative literally was death.
“Man these chest tubes hurt…”
”Think of the alternative.”
”Wow, my wife is so amazing and supportive.”
”Think of the alternative.”
”Oh man, how am I gonna get this Kickstarter fulfilled?”
”Think of the alternative.”
When you realize that the only alternative to everything else in your life is death, it changes you. I’ve never felt more gratitude for anything and everything in my life. It’s something I want to cultivate and make the foundation of my world view.
Anyway, I mostly wanted to get my thoughts out on paper on this and I’m glad you’re taking the time to read them. I’m glad you’re here with me. It’s sure better than the alternative.
Glad you came back! I had a heart attack back in 2021 that required a two week stay in the hospital. I somewhat changed my way of thinking and changed the priorities in my life. Then leas than a year later I almost died in a fall (well, I actually did, after coding in the ICU). That event completely changed the way I look at the world and how I do things. I truly believe there is nothing that you cannot accomplish if you put your mind to it, and put in the effort required. Nothing in our lives happens without reason.
Glad my favorite hobbit is still around. Now, res and get healthy, then kick life in the ass!
Glad you are on the mend! Praying you have a great recovery! Get some rest!!